Turns out, it’s different in real life than it is in the movies.
No airbrushed skin. No scripted pickup lines. No guy in the corner holding a boom mic.
But still, the film industry has provided us with a veritable treasure trove of scenes to analyze, so surely we can glean a few pointers by doing so. Like where two open-minded lovers might choose to, well, you know.
Hence, this: 15 sex tips we learned from the movies based on your location.
Go ahead, dim the lights.
Location: Grocery Store
Tip: For the sake of the customers, please find a spot in the back away from the free samples. And there’s a 80% chance you’ll get fired.
Cabin in the Woods
Location: The Woods
Tip: Intercourse in the woods is great, go for it. Oh, but at least one of you will die. Only try it if you feel lucky. (Pun intended.)
Tip: Hitting a home run on a train is significantly better when Phil Collins is playing In The Air Tonight. Just try not to miss your stop.
He’s Just Not That Into You
Tip: Testing out the stability of your office desk is all fun and games until someone (your wife) knocks on your office door. Maybe choose your marriage partner for this one.
Tip: Relations in a car on a boat checks two boxes. But the whole iceberg thing really kills the prospect of post coital snuggling. Have a lifejacket on standby.
Tip: This is when you’ll want to break out your picnic blanket. Just watch out for sharp rocks, ant hills and field mice.
The Location: Live on the Internet
Tip: We recommend avoiding a live feed at all cost. But, if you do a live stream remember that you only get one take. No do-overs.
Location: Sports Car
Tip: You never want to be the odd man out in a three-way. Especially one that involves you, a Ferrari and one really flexible partner. Summary: she might like the car more than you.
Location: Pottery Room
Tip: When using the pottery wheel as your bed, try to do it away from the prying eyes of your pottery class. Pottery wheels + clay + foreplay = very unique vases.
Location: In The Rain
Tip: Going for it in the rain is a lot like doing it in the shower. Except it’s roomier and you’re less inclined to slip.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Tip: Keep it down to a respectable level around your hotel neighbors, especially when you’re sharing a wall with your ex. Things can escalate fast.
Tip: A NYC penthouse is a breathtaking spot to express how you truly feel. Just… be on the lookout for axes and falling chainsaws. (They’re real mood killers.)
Eyes Wide Shut
Tip: If you go to a party and put on a mask then anything goes. You’ve been warned.
Tip: With a little teamwork, zero inhibition and a general disregard for hygiene, you too can perform a quickie in the restaurant bathroom.
Tip: Hold off on the bug spray until you’ve done the deed. It is a repellent, after all.
For more memorable movie moments, check out TheTake’s 10 awkward movie scenes.